Stasiun Gubeng-Lempuyangan 19 September 2020

 

I had no home and with that I was content, because I never knew what it felt like to feel like home.

So you build a home for me, and all of my scattered pieces suddenly came together.

Somewhere, I put my heart to sleep as you cradled my worries away.

I woke up one day cold, abandoned, without a roof on top, without windows or walls, without you.

And you wonder why I’m so unable to let you go.

Before you, I never knew what a home was.

You gave me a taste of heaven, and with your hands, you took it away.

 

“Once you enter heaven, you can never live again the same way.”

 

 

...

 

 

This latter is you, this latter probably most of you.

When we think of the world “home”, most of us live for so many years not knowing what it means.

We long for a pleace where our heart feel at peace, and our souls feel loved.

And the first instance that we get that feeling, we get so attached to it.

That’s the story of my life.

You see, I’ve spent most of many years build homes in other people and defining my self-worth based on how much those home welcomed me, and how much those home loved me.

I truly believe that there is a big power in stories.

So I’m going to tell you my story.

 

4 years ago,

I met the first person who I actually felt loved me, who I actually felt cared about me, who I actually felt home with. He touched my body and deeply touched my soul too. And I felt a peace and it was an amazing feeling.

Months ago, 3 months ago actually.

He... Like everyone else, walked away although he promised he wouldn’t. And slowly colors started fading from my life. I was weak. I was still functioning fully, but I was so miserable on the inside, I was suffering on the inside.

Last night,

Before I took off to Yogyakarta, my mom sat with me and she reminded me of the picture when I was child. She said to me, “Do you remember that picture? When I was holding your hand in that picture, I looked at you and I said ‘This girl is going places’ because of the look that you had in your eyes. And that look is gone sweetheart.”  (I AM SORRY MOM T.T)

I remember that night looking in the mirror at a person that I had no idea who she was. My face didn’t resemble me. My features actually looked distorted. I felt like I was looking at a sky, when it was just choking on grayness, no sun, no coulds, no rain, nothing just choking. And tears started streaming down my face, but they were a different kind of tears. I realized how far I’ve come from myself, looking at this stranger. And I also realized that I needed to come back to myself.

If I could describe that day and that moment, this is what it was:

“these mountains that you are carrying you were only supposed to climb.”

I realized that the mountains of rejection, and fear, and feeling neglected, all of those things, I had been carrying them with me when really what I should have been doing was climbing them, reaching their tops and saying, “Look how far I’ve come.” So from now,I take this with me wherever I go. I always remaind myself that just because I have things on my shoulders, it doesn’t mean’t that I have to keep dragging them. I could be doing something else with them and empowering myself.

 

 

...

 

 

So, what realizations I had to make while I was writing this blog. There weren’t writings written for a certain audience, there writings were from me and they were about me.

 

I realized that biggest mistake that we make is that we build homes in other people.

We build those homes, and we decorate them with the love, and care, and respect that we want to come home to at the end of the day

We invest in homes in other people. And we evaluate our self-worth based on how much those homes welcome us.

And when those people walk away, those home walk away with them.

And all of sudden, we feel empty, because everything we had within us, we put in those homes, and we trusted someone else with pieces of us.

So that emptiness that we feel doesn’t mean that we had nothing to give, or that we have nothing whitin us.

It’s just that we built our home in the wrong place.

We built our home that should be within us.

That we should come home to at the end of the day, in someone else.

And all of a sudden, it’s not our own anymore.

 

So, I’ll leave you with this:

I trully believe that it’s time for us to embrace the homes that are already whitin us. And instead of expecting the world to bring thing to us, we should start cultivating our own strengths. And we should start building homes within us.

 

“My dear self, forgive me for building a home for the broken pieces of my soul within someone else. My dear self, forgive me for only loving you, if that home loved you, welcomed you and welcomed me. I will not pretend to be the victim and say that they abanndoned me.You see, in my stories, I’m always the hero. So from today, I promise you to start building a home for you, for me, within me.”

 

 

Thank you.

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